Our Emma Anquillare breaks down the previous night's episodes of A&E's Southie Rules.
In the sitcom-reality-TV-hybrid Southie Rules, a quirky salt-of-the-earth family deals with daily life in South Boston. Originally billed as a drama chronicling the turf wars of South Boston gentrification, the producers actually shot and edited two versions of the show, and ultimately picked the light-hearted sitcom. In addition to recapping last night's episodes, let's speculate about the drama that might have been.
Real Episode: It's date night for everyone except Matt and Jenn, even though it's their anniversary. When Matt is reminded of this, he convinces Devin to babysit so he can take Jen out to a chic yuppie restaurant called Pangea (that, if you were wondering, doesn't actually exist). After forgetting to make reservations and reading her a poem he wrote in five minutes (why is she with him?) they are off-put by the inedible "pot pie reduction" and other "globally sourced cuisine with a Mesopotamian influence" served by their "culinary liaison". Luckily, Matt's friend works in the kitchen and their stomachs are saved by a hearty pizza.
Meanwhile, it takes a Southie Village to raise a child, and tonight that village is Devin, who has been left at home to babysit not just one, but several neighborhood children. This means turning down his "sure thing" date for the evening, which is unfortunate because after referring to her as a "sure thing" on national television, we can safely assume this outing would have been their last.
Alternate Cut: After the restaurant's "atmosphere affiliate" (host) makes it clear that his kind are not welcome, Matt and Jen are attacked by mobsters in cahoots with the restaurant's owner. While spending the night in jail following the brawl, Matt and Jen receive a message from God inspiring them to hunt down all that is evil and yuppie, reclaiming South Boston for their own.
Dubbing themselves the "Southie Saints," a mob war erupts in Southie, only ending after they clip the Yuppie Mob Boss in his Crate & Barrel Compound. At the end of the episode, after all the bloodshed, we are forced to wonder, "Are the Southie Saints ultimately good?or evil?"
Real Episode: In the second episode of the evening, Jenn's cleaning frenzy leads everyone (except Jenn) to believe she is pregnant. This is confirmed the old-fashioned Southie way, using a ghetto Pine-Sol Pee test. Realizing he needs to man up and provide for his growing family, Matt decides to get a real job; and is aided by Leah and Jarod, who help him write his first resume—at 23 years old (again, WHY IS SHE WITH HIM?).
Convinced everyone is overreacting, Jen retreats to the Mazzeo Sister Stronghold ("Bitch Castle" ) and finally hires a psychic to definitively prove to everyone she is not pregnant (because hiring a pay-by-the-hour psychic is much cheaper than a home pregnancy test, and equally reliable). Finally, Jon's girlfriend suggests she take the real pee test magically produced from her purse, proving she isn't pregnant. When Matt sees this, he tells her he'll still get a real job, but is clearly content to return to his slacker ways. (Uh, Next Episode: Jenn Files For Divorce?)
Meanwhile, Pretty Boy Jon is still muscular as ever, but cannot assemble an Ikea crib.
Alternate Cut: Knowing he needs a job to provide for his family, Matt uses his highly-honed martial arts skills to turn to a life of crime. He and Jenn dress up as Boston police officers hoping to steal $3 million in cash from Fenway Park, then escape disguised as paramedics.
When Matt's ex-girlfriend recognizes him and threatens to ruin their scheme, Matt is forced to flee to Florida, where no one will recognize him. Before leaving, he buries a duffel bag for Jenn in the back of their triple-decker containing the stolen money, a tangerine, and a note saying "I'll see you again, on this side or the other."
· Our Southie Rules recap archive [Curbed Boston]